10 May Understanding Attachment Styles and Romantic Relationships

Attachment theory plays a pivotal role in understanding how we form and maintain emotional bonds throughout our lives. Our adult attachment style offers valuable insights into how early bonding experiences shape our relational patterns in adulthood. By understanding our attachment style, we increase our understanding of self, and can also open the door to healthier, more authentic, and fulfilling romantic relationships.

What Happens When Attachment Patterns Go Unnoticed?

When we’re unaware of our attachment style, we can find ourselves repeating painful relational patterns without a clear understanding of what’s driving them. For some, this may emerge as increased relationship anxiety and attachment-related stress—perhaps feeling stuck in a cycle of unsuccessful relationships or unable to find a partner who feels like a good fit.

Patterns in how we connect with others that we may not be fully aware of can often play out in ways that lead to misunderstanding and disconnection. For instance, someone with an anxious attachment style may experience heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection, interpreting neutral cues as signs of abandonment. On the other hand, someone with avoidant attachment patterns might feel overwhelmed as closeness builds, leading them to withdraw or create distance—often without realising these are protective strategies shaped by early experiences.

Even individuals with a generally secure attachment style may find themselves feeling unsettled or confused when in a relationship with a partner who leans more anxious or avoidant. Over time, this mismatch—anxious vs avoidant attachment—can bring out unfamiliar responses like pulling away, becoming overly accommodating, or second-guessing oneself, as the secure partner tries to make sense of the dynamic.

Without insight, these patterns can reinforce feelings of shame, isolation, or self-blame, and leave us longing for deeper connection without knowing how to get there. If you’re noticing that you’re feeling more emotionally reactive or unsettled in your relationships, exploring your attachment style in relationships can be a valuable step. Gaining a clearer understanding of these patterns can help make sense of your emotional responses and support you to move forward in ways that feel more aligned with your relational needs.

How Are Attachments Formed in Early Life?

Adult attachment styles, commonly explored in psychology, stems from the idea that our early emotional bonds influence how we relate to others later in life. Attachment styles are deeply rooted in the responsiveness and consistency of early emotional connections, which we often explore in session as how our emotional needs were met (or not met) in early relationships.

According to Bowlby’s theory, infants are biologically wired to seek closeness to caregivers for safety and emotional regulation. When a caregiver is consistently responsive, attentive, and emotionally available, the child develops a secure internal working model of relationships, believing that others are dependable and that their own needs will be met. 

Conversely, inconsistent, neglectful, or intrusive caregiving can lead to insecure attachment, laying the foundation for difficulties later in life. These early relational templates become the psychological foundation for how we experience trust, intimacy, autonomy, and emotional expression in later relationships. The attachment bond with early caregivers lays the groundwork for our expectations of how safe or threatening relationships feel, and these expectations are often carried into adult friendships and romantic connections.

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What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory outlines three primary styles that shape how individuals approach close relationships:

Secure Attachment

Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They are generally trusting, emotionally regulated, and able to communicate their needs effectively. They seek connection without fear of engulfment or abandonment and tend to form balanced and supportive relationships.

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and reassurance yet fear rejection or abandonment. They may become preoccupied with their partner’s availability or mood and struggle with persistent doubts about their own worth or the stability of the relationship.

Avoidant Attachment

Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to downplay emotional needs and prioritise independence. Emotional closeness may feel overwhelming or unsafe, leading them to distance themselves when relationships become too intimate or vulnerable.

Some researchers also identify a disorganised attachment style—often seen in individuals who experienced early trauma or inconsistent caregiving. This style is marked by a simultaneous desire for connection and fear of closeness.

Why Do We Feel “Too Needy” or “Too Distant” in Relationships?

From a psychological perspective, gaining insight into your attachment style can help make sense of patterns that often feel confusing or frustrating in relationships. Many people—whether reflecting on themselves, talking with friends, or navigating dating—describe behaviours like being “too needy,” “too clingy,” or “too distant.” These labels are common, but they often miss the deeper reality. These tendencies are not flaws, but protective adaptations developed in early life. 

When our emotional needs were inconsistently met or dismissed in early relationships, we may have unconsciously learned to either cling tightly to others or to pull away to avoid discomfort. Without understanding where these patterns come from, it’s easy to internalise blame or feel stuck. These patterns are not flaws—they’re strategies the nervous system developed to manage connection and threat. Recognising these behaviours as survival strategies shaped by early emotional experiences—whether in ourselves or in those we care about—can foster greater compassion and open the door to meaningful change. However, for this change to be sustained, both individuals in the relationship need to develop self-awareness of these patterns and an understanding of their underlying origins.

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Can Attachment Styles Change Over Time?

Importantly, secure vs insecure attachment styles are not fixed traits. While rooted in early experiences, they are adaptable and can shift through therapy, self-reflection, and exposure to secure relational experiences. By developing awareness of one’s attachment style, individuals can begin to interrupt maladaptive patterns and build more secure ways of relating.

When working individually in therapy for attachment issues, without a partner present such as in couples counselling, it becomes especially important to find the right psychologist. A skilled therapist can help identify relational patterns and gently challenge them, rather than unintentionally reinforce unhelpful dynamics. This kind of therapeutic support is crucial for fostering lasting change and promoting more secure, fulfilling relationships.

How Therapy Applies Attachment Theory? 

In therapy, identifying your attachment style can be such a beneficial step toward personal development and emotional growth. Through exploration of past and present relationships, you can gain insight into relational triggers, coping behaviours, and unmet emotional needs that had very likely formed in earlier years. 

What Can I Expect in Therapy When Exploring Relationship Attachments? 

• Identifying attachment-related patterns in past and current relationships
• Learning to express needs and emotions in secure and respectful ways
• Challenging unhelpful beliefs about worth, trust, and intimacy
• Cultivating self-compassion and emotional regulation skills

For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may learn to soothe their fears of abandonment without relying excessively on external reassurance. Similarly, someone with avoidant tendencies might gradually explore safe emotional closeness, learning to remain present in the face of vulnerability.

How Do Context and Culture Shape Attachment Behaviours?

It’s important to understand that attachment styles are not fixed or categorical; they are dimensional and can manifest in varying degrees depending on context, personal history, and the dynamics of a relationship. Most individuals display characteristics of more than one attachment style, influenced by factors such as their upbringing, past experiences, and interactions with their partner. Additionally, cultural, social, and individual differences play a significant role in shaping how attachment behaviours are expressed and experienced.

For those interested in diving deeper, the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller offers an accessible yet insightful overview of how attachment styles and romantic relationships interact.

How Can a Psychologist Help?

Understanding your attachment style in relationships can be an important part of making sense of relationship challenges, whether in romantic partnerships, friendships, or family dynamics. Therapy offers a safe and supportive space to explore these patterns with curiosity rather than judgment. Recognising attachment-based reactions—like the “ick” feeling that may arise for someone with avoidant tendencies when a relationship deepens, or the intense need for reassurance in those with anxious styles—can help people respond more consciously, rather than reactively. Working with a psychologist allows for a personalised exploration of these dynamics.

Therapy for attachment issues can provide gentle prompts, validation, and evidence-based strategies to help individuals move toward a more secure and connected way of relating. If you’re curious about your attachment style and how it influences your relationships, therapy can be a helpful place to begin. Gaining this awareness not only improves how you connect with others but also deepens your relationship with yourself.

How Positive Wellbeing Psychology Can Help?

At Positive Wellbeing Psychology, our Melbourne psychologists have a special interest in helping people understand and work through their attachment styles in relationships in a compassionate and evidence-based way. We support individuals to build insight into how early relational experiences influence their current relationships and sense of self.

Whether you’re searching for a psychologist near me or a Melbourne psychologist, we have you covered. You may be experiencing relationship anxiety and attachment distress, wondering about the dynamics of anxious vs avoidant attachment, or curious about the differences between secure vs insecure attachment. We offer evidence-based therapy that meets you where you’re at. Our approach draws on the latest in adult attachment styles psychology, supporting clients to explore attachment styles and romantic relationships, and move toward healing and more meaningful connections.

By integrating therapy for attachment issues with practical tools for emotional regulation and communication, we support people in healing insecure attachment and forming more connected and satisfying bonds with others.

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