17 Jan Navigating Relationship Challenges

You’re likely reading this blog as you have been encountering challenges in your relationships, which is very normal – relationships come with their ups and downs! This blog will be helpful as it explores how our responses to our partner can play a pivotal role in shaping the course of a relationship. When relationship challenges arise, it is really normal to engage with a psychologist. Our team of psychologists often support individuals individually to navigate various challenges. Individual therapy becomes a useful tool for helping us to address relationship difficulties and to help foster a more nurturing and healthier connection with our partner. A relationship psychologist in Melbourne can offer valuable insights and strategies to navigate these complexities and strengthen the bond between partners.
In this blog, the we delves into important research based findings that can be applied to our daily lives to help increase self awareness and to improve our relationships. This blog has be carefully written as our Melbourne psychology practice holds a particular interest in helping individuals navigate relationship and attachment difficulties. Our psychologists utilise a range of evidence-based therapy approaches to help individuals to improve their mood, self-esteem and relationships. Our goal for this blog is to empower you on your journey towards a happier, more fulfilling relationship.

How does the Evidence-Based Gottman Method of Relationship Therapy Apply to Relationship Challenges?

The Gottman’s Method of relationship therapy has demonstrated its effectiveness in enhancing communication, conflict management, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction. For this reason, we reference this specific therapy approach throughout our blog,

Common Ways to Identify a Healthy Relationship?

It is common to ponder how to resolve conflict in a relationship, conflict is a normal part of relationships – even the most healthy relationships. This is because we all have our individuals needs and way that we communicate these needs. This does not always pair up with the person that we love. When exploring this further, we are going to refer to the “Sound Relationship House Theory,” developed by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. This is drawn from the Gottman Method. The metaphorical “house” encapsulates key elements such as communication, emotional intimacy, and conflict management. While typically applied in couples therapy, many of its principles can also benefit individual therapy. Applying these principles can strengthen the connection between you and your partner. If you’d like to delve deeper into this topic, please leave a comment, and we’ll prepare a separate blog to explore it further. For now, I will walk through 5 tips to help foster a health relationship based on the Gottman’s Sound Relationship House.

1. Build Love Maps: Know Your Partner “Deeply”:

Love Maps involve understanding your partner’s world, including their thoughts, feelings, and aspirations. After reading this blog, start to consider how you can set aside time each day to make an effort to regularly ask your partner about their day, their dreams, and their fears. You may have this conversation at dinner whilst putting away phones and devices to allow you to really engage and ask questions. This is your time to display a genuine interest in their experiences, and actively listen when they share. This helps you connect on a deeper level and demonstrates your commitment to knowing them intimately.

2. Share Fondness and Admiration: Express Appreciation:

When we talk about expressing fondness and admiration, this involves acknowledging and appreciating your partner’s positive qualities and actions. You will start to consider how you can complement your partner sincerely, both privately and in front of others. Tell them what you love and admire about them. When you focus on the positive aspects of your partner, it fosters feelings of love and respect, creating a strong foundation for your relationship. Perhaps you find your partner providing their input on a story you have told – you may find this helpful and let them know that you really appreciate sharing their perspective. Alternatively, it could be complimenting them on cooking a dinner!

3. Start to Turn Towards Each Other: Be Responsive

In a healthy relationship, partners respond to each other’s bids for connection. Bids can be as simple as a smile, a question, or a comment. Turning towards your partner means recognising these bids and responding positively. It shows that you prioritise their emotional needs and are willing to engage in meaningful interactions. This could be when your partner looks out a window and points out the spring flowers, whilst you are racing around. Try to stop and respond to their bid for affection. This will make a difference in the bigger picture.

4. The Positive Perspective: Assume Good Intentions

Approach your partner with a positive perspective. Assume that they have good intentions, even when conflicts arise. Instead of jumping to negative conclusions, try to understand their point of view. This approach can diffuse tension and promote constructive communication, which is essential for resolving conflicts. It is also vital to make sure that you allow both parties – you and your partner – time to come back down to a neutral level if you are flooded emotionally BEFORE discussing any issues.

5. Manage Conflict: Learn Effective Communication

Conflict is natural in any relationship, but it’s how you manage it that matters. Use healthy communication techniques when disagreements occur. Avoid the “Four Horsemen” of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, as these can escalate conflicts. Instead, practice active listening, express your feelings using “I” statements, and work together to find mutually beneficial solutions. This would be once you have both had time to “cool off” and be able to speak to one another using the wise mind versus the emotional mind. Remember that improving your relationship takes an effort from both partners. The Sound Relationship House Theory provides a valuable framework for nurturing a strong and lasting connection. By building a foundation of trust, respect, and understanding, you can create a relationship that thrives and brings fulfilment to both you and your partner.

Common Factors Influencing Intimacy in Relationships:

1. Communication Problems: Effective communication forms the cornerstone of intimacy. Learning to communicate in a healthy, loving, and non-judgmental manner is essential.
2. Unresolved Issues: Past hurts, anger, resentment, lack of trust, or feeling unappreciated can become significant obstacles to intimacy.
3. External Stressors: Financial strain, job-related stress, family conflicts, and a lack of quality time together can create tension that impedes intimacy.
4. Childhood Trauma: Traumatic childhood experiences can profoundly affect adult relationships. For instance, individuals who have experienced childhood abuse may struggle to trust and connect with others as adults.

The 4 Communication Styles That Predict Divorce:

Understanding all the above is so very important, as we can effectively navigate the trajectory of our relationship. Effective communication serves as an important factor of relationship health, and Dr John Gottman has identified specific communication styles that accurately predict divorce, known as the “four horsemen.” These include:

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing specific issues (as opposed to offering constructive complaints).
2. Contempt: Feeling superior to your partner, often fuelled by prolonged negative thoughts.
3. Defensiveness: Responding to criticism with excuses or blame-shi[ing instead of taking responsibility.
4. Stonewalling: Shutting down emotionally during conflicts, often in response to contempt.

How the 4 Horsemen Often Impact Relationships:

By recognising and addressing these negative communication patterns, couples can work toward building stronger, healthier relationships, fostering intimacy, and achieving lasting happiness together. Research conducted by Gottman reveals that 83% of marriages affected by these four horsemen could stabilise if both partners learned to reconcile effectively after disagreements. Understanding and addressing these communication styles are crucial steps toward building a healthy and enduring relationship. Let’s delve into each of these styles to unpack their impact on relationships:

1. Criticism: It’s essential to distinguish between criticism and constructive complaints. Criticism attacks your partner’s character, whereas complaints address specific issues. Effective communication focuses on the latter, fostering understanding rather than hostility.
2. Contempt: Contempt arises when one partner feels superior to the other, often due to prolonged negativity. Cultivating respect and empathy can counteract this destructive emotion.
3. Defensiveness: When faced with criticism, defensiveness leads to blame-shi[ing or making excuses. Instead, take responsibility for your actions and collaborate to find solutions.
4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling involves emotionally shutting down during conflicts. Effective communication techniques can help break through this barrier, promoting open and healthy discussions.

How Positive Wellbeing Psychology Can Help?

At Positive Wellbeing Psychology, our Melbourne psychologists understand the complexities of these challenges and offer therapeutic approaches to help individuals overcome them, nurturing healthier and more intimate relationships. We’re here to guide you on this transformative journey. Leave a comment, view our website for more information relating to all issues relating to mental health, or let us know if you’d like more blogs!

Written by Psychologist Emily Burton at Positive Wellbeing Psychology

Emily’s clients have described her as warm and genuine in her approach and often describe feelings of comfort and trust very early on in therapy. Emily’s bubbly and friendly nature tends to establish a warm and genuine professional relationship that fosters trust and comfort for her clients, which she believes is paramount in order to achieve successful therapy.

Emily has a special interest in working with her clients to achieve their career aspirations, improve their relationships, and to better manage difficult family dynamics. Emily is experienced in the management of anxiety, depression, low self-worth, stress and burnout, work addiction, loss of direction in life, goal setting, perfectionism, low self-esteem, adjustment to life changes, Adult ADHD, poor body image and binge eating disorder.

about emily