03 Sep Identity and Values: Feeling Stuck When You Don’t Know What You Want

“What do you actually want?”

For some people, this seemingly simple question can be surprisingly difficult to answer. You may have a job, relationships, responsibilities and a life that looks stable from the outside, yet still feel uncertain about where you are heading. You might find yourself thinking, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know who I am anymore, or I should be happier than I am.

Feeling stuck does not necessarily mean that you lack ambition, motivation or direction. Sometimes, uncertainty develops when your priorities have changed, you have spent a long time responding to other people’s expectations, or you have become disconnected from the things that feel personally meaningful.

For some people, difficulties with attention, executive functioning or decision-making can also contribute to this experience. This can be particularly relevant for adults with ADHD, although feeling directionless is certainly not specific to ADHD.

Exploring identity and values can provide a useful way of understanding what may be happening and beginning to work out what matters to you now.

Why “I Don’t Know What I Want” Feels So Distressing

Uncertainty about what you want can be uncomfortable because decisions are closely connected to how we understand ourselves.

Choosing a career, relationship, lifestyle or next step often involves questions such as:

• What matters to me?
• What kind of person do I want to be?
• What do I enjoy?
• What am I willing to work hard for?
• What would make my life feel meaningful?

When these questions are difficult to answer, even relatively ordinary decisions can become exhausting. You may repeatedly change your mind, seek reassurance from other people, compare yourself with peers or worry that you are making the “wrong” choice.

This can create a cycle in which uncertainty leads to overthinking, overthinking makes decisions harder, and the difficulty making decisions reinforces the belief that you do not know yourself.

Is Feeling Stuck the Same as Lacking Motivation?

Feeling stuck and experiencing low motivation are not necessarily the same experience.

Someone may know what they want to do but struggle to get started. Feeling stuck can involve something different: uncertainty about what direction to take in the first place.

There can also be practical or psychological barriers that make action difficult. Anxiety, low self-esteem, burnout, depression, perfectionism, major life changes and executive functioning difficulties can all affect a person’s ability to make decisions and move forward.

This is why simply telling someone who feels stuck to “try harder” or “set some goals” may not address what is actually getting in the way.

How Do Identity and Values Relate to Each Other?

Identity is not something that has to be completely figured out at a particular age. Our understanding of ourselves can continue to develop as we have new experiences, relationships and responsibilities.

One useful way of exploring identity is through values.

Values are the qualities and principles that a person considers important and wants to express through their life. Examples might include:

• connection
• creativity
• independence
• learning
• stability
• compassion
• achievement
• adventure
• contribution
• authenticity.

Values are different from goals. A goal might be to change careers, while a value might be learning, creativity or autonomy. Goals can be achieved and replaced; values can continue to guide choices across different stages of life.

This distinction can be helpful when someone feels pressure to identify one particular career, relationship or life plan. You do not necessarily need to know exactly what you want your future to look like before you can begin identifying what matters to you.

How Can ADHD Affect This Experience?

ADHD does not mean that a person lacks values or has an underdeveloped sense of identity. However, some ADHD-related difficulties can make it harder to consistently translate longer-term priorities into everyday decisions.

For example, adults with ADHD may experience difficulties with planning, organisation, prioritisation, working memory, task initiation or maintaining attention toward goals that are not immediately engaging. Interests and motivation can also change over time.

This can create a frustrating gap between knowing what matters and being able to act consistently in accordance with it.

Someone might value health but struggle to maintain routines, value financial security but find budgeting difficult, or value meaningful work while struggling to organise the steps required to pursue it.

Over time, repeated experiences of intending to do something but not being able to follow through can affect confidence and contribute to low self-esteem. The person may begin questioning whether they genuinely care about something when the difficulty is actually related to executive functioning.

If this pattern is persistent and occurs across different areas of life, discussing it with an ADHD psychologist in Melbourne may be useful as part of understanding the broader picture.

Why Can External Expectations Make It Difficult to Know What You Want?

Many of us receive messages about what a “successful” or “good” life should look like. These messages can come from family, friends, education, workplaces, social media or broader cultural expectations. You may have learned that you should:

• pursue a particular career
• earn a certain amount of money
• settle down by a particular age
• prioritise productivity
• always be achieving something
• choose stability over uncertainty.

There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these goals. The difficulty arises when they become disconnected from what you actually value. It can then become difficult to distinguish between:

“This is something I genuinely want” and “This is something I believe I should want”

That distinction can be particularly important during periods of transition, when an old definition of success no longer feels relevant but a new one has not yet emerged.

What Are the Signs You May Be Disconnected From Your Values?

There is no single sign that means someone has “lost touch” with their values. However, you may notice patterns such as:

• regularly making decisions based on what other people expect
• finding it difficult to identify your own preferences
• changing your goals depending on who you are around
• feeling envious of people who seem certain about their direction
• achieving something and then feeling unexpectedly empty or uncertain
• saying yes because of guilt or obligation when you would prefer to say no
• repeatedly questioning whether you have chosen the “right” path
• feeling restless even when there is nothing obviously wrong
• struggling to explain what makes a life feel meaningful to you.

These experiences do not necessarily indicate a mental health condition. They can simply be signs that it may be useful to pause and reflect on whether your current choices still fit with your priorities. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an evidence-based psychological intervention often adopted by our psychologists to explore individual values.

How Does Overthinking Keep You Stuck?

When you are uncertain, it is natural to try to think your way toward certainty.

You might research every possible option, make increasingly detailed lists of advantages and disadvantages, ask other people what they think, or repeatedly imagine how each decision could turn out.

Some reflection is helpful. However, decision-making can become unhelpful when the goal becomes achieving complete certainty before taking action.

Many aspects of life cannot be resolved through thinking alone. Sometimes you need to gather information through experience.

Rather than asking “how can I know for certain what I want?”, it can be more useful to ask yourself – “What is one small step I could take that would help me learn more about what matters to me?”

This shifts the focus from finding the perfect answer to gathering information through experience.

Our Top 6 Tips To Help You Reconnect With What Matters:

There is no single exercise that will reveal your purpose. However, small experiments can help you develop a clearer understanding of yourself.

1. Notice what gives you energy

Pay attention to activities, conversations and environments where you feel engaged, curious or connected. You do not need to assume that everything enjoyable represents a core value, but patterns can provide useful information.

2. Notice what frustrates you

Strong reactions can sometimes point towards something important. For example, frustration with excessive control may highlight the importance of autonomy, while distress about superficial interactions may reflect a strong value around connection.

3. Separate values from goals

Instead of asking only, “What do I want to achieve?”, consider, “How do I want to live?”

This can make the question feel less overwhelming.

4. Experiment rather than decide everything at once

Trying a course, hobby, volunteer role, social activity or different way of working can provide information. You do not necessarily need to decide whether something is “the right path” before trying it.

5. Question the word “should”

When you notice yourself thinking, “I should want this,” pause and ask:

According to whom?

That does not mean rejecting other people’s advice. It simply creates space to consider whether the expectation fits your own priorities.

6. Look at your decisions, not just your intentions

Think about times when you have felt proud, satisfied or genuinely comfortable with a decision. What did that decision allow you to express? Looking backwards can sometimes make your values easier to recognise than trying to identify them from scratch.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Feeling uncertain about your direction is not, by itself, a reason to seek psychological treatment. However, professional support may be useful when feeling stuck has become persistent, distressing or significantly affects your relationships, work, decision-making or overall wellbeing.

A psychologist in Melbourne can help you explore the factors contributing to the uncertainty rather than assuming there is one explanation. This might include anxiety, low self-esteem, perfectionism, burnout, major life transitions, previous experiences, relationship patterns or difficulties with attention and executive functioning.

For people who are wondering whether ADHD may be contributing to difficulties with planning, motivation or decision-making, an assessment with an ADHD psychologist in Melbourne can also help clarify whether ADHD may form part of the broader picture.

Therapy can provide a structured space to explore these questions without requiring you to have all the answers before you begin.

How Can Positive Wellbeing Psychology and Psychiatry Help?

At Positive Wellbeing Psychology and Psychiatry, we understand that feeling stuck does not always have a straightforward explanation. Sometimes it reflects a period of change or uncertainty; at other times, anxiety, low self-esteem, burnout, ADHD-related executive functioning difficulties or other psychological factors may be contributing.

Our psychologists can provide a supportive space to explore your identity, values, relationships, expectations and goals, while helping you understand the patterns that may be making it difficult to move forward.

Individual therapy can be particularly useful when you want space to understand what matters to you, clarify your priorities and develop practical ways of making decisions that are more consistent with your values.

For adults who identify with difficulties such as chronic indecision, procrastination, disorganisation or difficulty following through with longer-term goals, an ADHD assessment may also help determine whether ADHD could be contributing to these experiences.

Where appropriate, psychological care can also be integrated with psychiatric support. Our practice offers psychology and psychiatry services, including telehealth options, to support individuals who may benefit from a broader approach to their mental health and wellbeing.

If you feel stuck and unsure of what you truly want, professional support can help you reconnect with your values and develop a clearer sense of direction.

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