01 Nov Why Can’t I Move On? How Letting Two Things Be True Can Help You Feel Unstuck

You know you should be over it by now, but you’re not. You tell yourself you’re fine, then a song or a comment brings it all rushing back. You want things to change, yet part of you holds on tightly to how things were. If you’ve ever felt stuck in a rut, asking yourself “why can’t I move on…?” no matter how hard you try, you’re far from alone. Often what keeps us stuck isn’t the situation itself, but the belief that only one feeling or one version of the story can be true. This guide will help you understand dialectical thinking, which is the idea that two opposites can exist at the same time, why black-and-white thinking keeps us stuck, and practical ways to start moving forward.

What Does It Mean That Two Opposites Can Be True?

Dialectical thinking is the ability to hold two ideas, feelings or truths at once, even when they seem to contradict each other. Instead of “either/or,” it invites “both/and.”

It’s a central idea in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan. In fact, the word “dialectical” is in the name. At the heart of DBT is one core dialectic. That is, accepting yourself exactly as you are, while also working towards change. These two ideas can seem like opposites, but in DBT they work together. Acceptance makes change possible, and change becomes easier when we stop fighting ourselves.

Some examples of two truths existing together:

• “I am doing the best I can, and I can keep learning and growing”
• “I love them, and I am hurt by what they did”
• “I miss how things were, and I know I could not go back”
• “I am proud of how far I have come, and I still have hard days”

Black-and-White Thinking: Why We Get Stuck

When we are distressed, our minds tend to look for certainty. It can feel safer to put things in neat boxes such as good or bad, right or wrong, success or failure. In therapy, our psychologists might refer to this as black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking.

The problem is that real life rarely fits into neat boxes. When we force a complicated situation into one side, the parts of our experience that don’t fit get pushed away. They don’t disappear, though. They tend to resurface as rumination, guilt, resentment or a nagging sense that something is unresolved.

For example, if you believe “If I still feel sad about the breakup, I must not be moving on,” every wave of sadness becomes evidence that you are failing. Or if you believe “If I am angry at my parent, I must not really love them,” you may feel guilty for the anger and push it down, only for it to keep returning. Black-and-white thinking can also feed low self-esteem, because any mistake becomes proof that you are “not good enough”.

Signs You Might Be Stuck in a Rut

It may be worth looking more closely at your thinking patterns if you notice:

• Replaying the same situation or conversation over and over, particularly after social interactions (Related reading: Why you overthink conversations)
• Feeling like you “should” be over something by now, and criticising yourself because you are not.
• Swinging between extremes, such as “everything is fine” and “everything is ruined”.
• Feeling guilty or confused about having mixed feelings, or struggling to make sense of conflicting emotions.
• Avoiding reminders, people or places because they bring difficult feelings back.
• Struggling to make decisions because no option feels completely right, or feeling unsure about your direction in life (Related reading: Finding direction in life: How existential therapy can help)
• Feeling flat, unmotivated or as though life has stalled, without being sure whether you are experiencing burnout, depression or something else (Related reading: Depression vs burnout: Understanding the key differences)

Five Examples of Two Truths in Everyday Life

Dialectical thinking can sound abstract until you see it in everyday situations. You might recognise yourself in some of these.

1. When grief and relief exist together

After caring for a loved one through a long illness, many people feel deep grief when that person passes away, alongside a sense of relief that the suffering is over. The relief can bring a wave of guilt: “What kind of person feels relieved?”

Both/and thinking might sound like: “I am heartbroken that they are gone, and I am relieved they are no longer in pain.” Both feelings make sense. Neither cancels out the love you had for them. Allowing both can make the grief and loss process feel less tangled. Grief can also look different from person to person, as we explore in our article on men’s grief.

2. When you love someone who has hurt you

Perhaps a parent, partner or friend has let you down. You might feel pressure to decide whether they are a “good” or “bad” person, as though you need to pick a side before you can move on.

Both/and thinking might sound like: “They matter to me, and what they did was not okay”. This allows you to hold onto the love and set boundaries at the same time, rather than feeling you have to cut off one part of the relationship. If this feels familiar, explore our guide to understanding and navigating relationship difficulties and how psychological support may help.

3. When you want change but feel afraid of it

You might know you need to leave a job, end a relationship or make a big life change, yet keep putting it off. You may then criticise yourself for being “weak” or “indecisive”.

Both/and thinking might sound like: “I want something different, and change feels scary”. Recognising both sides makes the hesitation understandable rather than shameful. Explore our guide to adjusting to a big life change to understand why even changes we choose can feel unsettling.

4. When you are doing your best but still struggling

Many people, especially high achievers, believe that if they are struggling, they must not be trying hard enough. This can lead to exhaustion and burnout, and to the feeling that external success doesn’t always bring fulfilment.

Both/and thinking might sound like: “I am doing the best I can with what I have right now, and I can also ask for help”. This reduces the pressure to be perfect, while still leaving room to grow.

5. When you have moved forward but still have hard days

You might have made real progress after a difficult time, then have a day where everything feels heavy again. It’s easy to think, “I am back at square one”.

Both/and thinking might sound like: “I have come a long way, and today is a hard day”. Progress is rarely a straight line. A hard day doesn’t erase the growth you have made.

Either/Or Thinking vs Both/And Thinking: Key Differences

It can help to see the two styles of thinking side by side:

If you recognise a lot of either/or thinking in yourself, that’s very common. It’s a habit, not a flaw, and like any habit it can be gently shifted with practice.

Why Holding Two Truths Helps You Move Forward

It might seem that acknowledging more feelings would make things heavier. In practice, it often does the opposite. When we stop forcing ourselves to choose one side, a few important things can happen:

• Less shame and self-criticism: Mixed feelings stop being a sign that something is wrong with you. They become a normal part of being human.
• Less rumination: When all parts of an experience are allowed, the mind has less reason to keep circling back to the parts it was trying to push away.
• More flexibility: Both/and thinking opens up options that either/or thinking hides, making it easier to problem-solve and make decisions.
• Calmer emotions: Extreme thoughts tend to bring extreme feelings. A more balanced view can support healthier emotional regulation.
• Room for acceptance and change: You can accept where you are right now while still working towards where you want to be.

Dialectical thinking also works hand in hand with radical acceptance, another DBT skill that helps you acknowledge what you cannot change without giving up on what you can. Should you wish to explore this further, read our article on Radical Acceptance in DBT: What It Is, Real-Life Examples and How to Practise It. Both articles are part of our DBT skills series.

How to Practise Dialectical Thinking: 6 Steps

Like any skill, dialectical thinking takes practice. These steps can help:

Step 1: Notice extreme words

Watch for words like “always,” “never,” “completely,” “should” and “ruined.” They’re often a sign that you’ve slipped into either/or thinking.

Step 2: Swap “but” for “and”

“I am trying, but I keep failing” sounds very different to “I am trying, and this is hard.” The word “but” tends to cancel out the first part of the sentence. “And” lets both parts stand.

Step 3: Ask, “What else might be true?”

When you notice a strong thought or feeling, gently look for the other side of the story. You don’t have to believe it fully, just allow it to be there.

Step 4: Validate each side

Remind yourself that each feeling makes sense given your experience. You don’t have to justify or fix either one.

Step 5: Look for the middle path

DBT encourages finding a balanced position between extremes. Ask yourself, “What would a balanced response look like here?”

Step 6: Be patient with yourself

You’ll slip back into black-and-white thinking, especially under stress. That’s normal. Each time you notice it, you have another chance to practise.

Start with small, everyday situations before applying it to the bigger, more painful ones. The more you practise, the more natural it becomes.

When to Seek Professional Support

Feeling stuck from time to time is part of life. But if you’ve been unable to move past something for months, or if it’s affecting your sleep, work, relationships or sense of self-worth, it’s worth speaking with a professional.

A DBT therapist Melbourne clients work with can help you recognise the thinking patterns that keep you stuck and build skills to hold difficult feelings with more flexibility, rather than generic advice that may not address what’s really going on.

Feeling stuck can also sit alongside low mood, worry or uncertainty about your direction in life. If that resonates, our depression treatment and anxiety treatment Melbourne teams can help, and our article on feeling stuck when you don’t know what you want may also be useful. Many people find individual counselling, CBT therapy Melbourne approaches, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy genuinely helpful for loosening rigid thinking patterns.

How Positive Wellbeing Psychology and Psychiatry Can Help?

If you’ve read this far and recognised yourself in some of these examples, you’re not alone. Feeling stuck can be frustrating and exhausting, and it can be hard to see a way forward when you’re in the middle of it. It’s not something you need to work out on your own.

At Positive Wellbeing Psychology and Psychiatry, our boutique practice in the tree-lined streets of Armadale offers a calm, safe and supportive space to explore what’s keeping you stuck. We take the time to understand the whole person, helping you build practical skills like dialectical thinking with compassion and without judgement. Our Clinic Director personally matches each new client with the most suitable psychologist, and where helpful, our psychologists can work alongside our in-house psychiatrists to provide integrated care under one roof.

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